Lesson learned: You cannot deny the obvious.

know who's pretty?

Brad Pitt.

Know that i've literally spent years of my life trying to deny the fact?
I kept reading that everyone adored him...and that he was the most handsome man in the world and all that junk, so i took a stubborn and stiff stand that he was unatractive. I could not be suaded.
Well, untill I saw him in a film.

then I saw him in 7 Years In Tibet:

and I had already fallen, he was undeniably attractive. Then Fight Club just topped it off:

This Tyler Durden guy was wearing ridiculously stupid, loud, ill fitting clothes, bleeding and bruised all over his body, and still was vibrantly sexual.

I was trapped against a wall to the undeniable fact: Brad Pitt is IT. Uncomparable in physical beauty to any other man (yes, he still is, he's got it under that stupid horrific beard. i think he just doesn't want it any more). Not only that, but his acting is unbelievable. I've seen him go from evil to innocent, from old to immature, from insane to happy.

Why all this today?
First I'm feeling rather boyfriendless. Why I look at pictures of the not-even-in-your-dreams gorgeousness is beyond me, but I do.
Second the guys at work were fighting over who got to be Tyler Durden today. They all wanted him. He's like the man. It made me laugh.
Third what day is not a good day for photos of Brad Pitt?

I t

I do feel guilty about this adoration. Brad Pitt is not really a respectable man. In fact, he may be even more messed up than I want to admit.
But I don't agree!
I think he's trying hard. I think he wants to be a good guy. More on that later.
I'll post my defense on Brad Pitt, and you all can poke holes in it and tell me I just think he's hot.
Which would be true. But not only.
I think he's working hard.
But that for later.
I shall leave you with one last glimpse of perfection:


don't be a hater.

Meiko, Boys With Girlfriends

So what do you make of this song? I love the song for the musical quality, I think its so catchy. I play it around the house all the time, and finally my sister was like "I love this melody, but this girl is such a witch!"

Funny, I'd never thought of it that way. I always thought it was a girl simply feeling sad that she met the perfect guy, but he was already taken. I felt sorry for her, not for the girlfriend!

How do you respond?

But guess what? He doesn't hate me.

So I realized i never explained what happened to Ryan.

Its a happy story.
No, we're not going out.

But guess what? He doesn't hate me.

Okay, he did at first. For like a month. But that's so short.

After Matt, I gave up and at 1 am sitting in my truck, I asked Ryan if it was okay that we were still friends, and if he was happy with the way things were.
There was a really long silence.
Then he said "i guess."
then he said "geez, its late. I better go."

And then i didn't hear from him for a month.

i thought he was vanished forever.

But guess what? He doesn't hate me.

And eventually, he got over everything and texted me "hey, we're long overdue for a hang out!"

and it was lovely. and we went out. and we talked. and we had a geniunely good time together. And now, its been 2 months. and we still talk. In fact, we talk more freely and comfortably now. I'm even helping him through a new girl (who might be a bit more receptive to him than I was...).

So yeah. He doesn't hate me. This doesn't always have to bite.
But maybe that's just cuz it was Ryan. He's a good guy.

Not in Kansas...

We were broken up into groups of three and four, discussing ideas for potential "position papers" in English 102. Most of us didn't care what our subject was, we just wanted to get the assignment over with.
"I say our group's argument should be that testing for STDs should be mandatory when you get a physical." Kay says. Our other groupmate, Jessica, agrees. Of course Jessica would agree. She's a stripper.
"Yeah. I check every time. I mean, it doesn't hurt anything, you never know." she says. Jamie is encouraged.
"yeah, and I have a girlfriend who's boyfriend REFUSES to get checked! I mean, he could have AIDS or something! Sure, he says he's only had one other girlfriend, but you don't know. Its awful." she shudders. Jessica joins in. I shrug.
"Well actually, I don't go to the doctor. So this argument doesn't do anything for me. But you can use it." I say. They stare at me.
"Don't go to the doctor! What if you have some disease?" Jessica exclaims.
"I don't. I'm healthy. I'm healthy, so is my family, my parents, and my grandparents are wonderfully strong in their mid eighties. I've heard of too many people actually getting sick from wrong medication or bacteria spread in the hospital. If i can stay out, I will." I say calmly. Kay shakes her head.
"well, maybe you're fine now, but in 20 years, you may be dying."


we present our argument to the class.

"Okay, but what if you're abstinent?" asks the teacher. Kay shakes her head.
"that's unrealistic. It doesn't happen. I mean, not for little kids, but after like 12." she says. Classmates join in agreement.
"at least 12. kids are having sex so young now." says someone. I say nothing.
"It shouldn't be forced. I'm not having sex untill marriage." a young man says in the back. He is Indonesian. He rarely speaks. The class is in uproar. Somebody is laughing. Somebody is snorting. Fingers are being pointed. There are several indignant exclamations.
"no way. impossible!" the crowd choruses. I'm scared to look at the boy. I'm not that brave.
"Well, Jesus is my partner untill marriage." he repeats. This time he draws sarcastic laughs. Nobody is taking him seriously. Some guy in the back row, who listens to his ipod throuought class, beings mocking him.
"I odn't need sex. I have jesus. jesus is MY partner." he chants, snorting. The teacher changes the subject.
I wish I spoke up. I didn't know what to say. I silently turn around and make eye contact with him. Me, too. I mouth. I think he understands.

My stomach hurts.

Claire

I have been looking at this photo for days. I'm not exactly sure why. I spend hours looking through hundreds of headshots, fashion photography, editorials, movie stills, etc. Millions of beautiful women. Why does this one matter?
She's beautiful. The coloring of the photo only highlights her golden hair and gorgeous eyes and perfect skin. She seems so secure, so mildly determined. Not afraid. But maybe...I'm not sure. I'm really not sure.
She's Claire Forlani, pretty much only famous for her movie with Brad Pitt, Meet Joe Black. I tried to find you a movie clip from the film that nearly made me cry, but its not to be found on youtube. I'll keep trying. Interestingly enough, I think if you cross Brad's ex Jennifer Aniston with his present-day woman Angelina Jolie, you'd get a girl identical to this photo. Isn't that bizarre?

Maybe I'm fascinated because she doesn't look anything like me. Or anybody else. She has her own brand of beauty. Maybe i'm just used to all the wild, art-freak fashion shots and this full face direct headshot caught me by surprise.

Beauty. it matters so much to me. What if i wasn't beautiful? How would I feel? What if every time I passed a mirror, I felt shame? how do people live who feel this? why does it matter? How have I taken such a fleeting, i-can't-take-any-credit-for-it lucky strike and blown it up to such huge proportions?

My sister hates the idea of getting old. she wants to die at 50. She hates the idea of getting ugly, of her perfection becoming decrepit. So do I, but somehow I acknowledge that's what happens. That's life. Why is it this way? Why are we so drawn to the golden gorgeousness of Claire Forlani, even though we all know she had nothing to do with it, and she could be a witch?

No answers. But i'm still staring, guilty for the obsession, but uncontrollably mesmerized, into her pretty eyes.

Kate's love interests come in a variety of forms

And here we have a new speciMan. He's not like the guys who usually try to get my attention. He's not ignorant, he's not a cute little christian kid, he's not staring at my butt, and he's not swaggering. Don't get your hopes up.
He's my height, his black and to his shoulders, he has snakebites on either side of his chin and one little diamond right in the middle of the bearded fringe on the tip of his chin, and tattoos from shoulder to wrist. He wears band T-shirts and chains. He's antiestablishment, as you may have guessed. A poet. A writer. A videographer working for some underground punk bands.

I was literally talking to Britanny, the girl next to me, about her upcoming internship. He's walking right beside me
"two days, two days and I-" she's saying,
"so how was your weekend?" he asks me. Britanny looks startled, I shrug. She hurries ahead of me, and I'm trapped.
"It was nice, actually. I worked every night, but I love work, so it's okay." I answer, unable to help smiling from his sheer boldness. This is the second week he has done this. I wonder why. He walks me all the way to the top step of the library before leaving.

This one could be interesting.