Sept 4, 2009:
so i turned down my first offer for a boyfriend. i guess most people would think that it was pathetic and embarassing that this is the first time, since i'm eighteen. a few months ago i would have agreed, feeling ashamed to admit no guy had asked me before, when most girls have had their first boy by twelve at the latest. but it makes sense to me, now. I have nothing to be embarassed about. I was sheltered, sculpted, carefully prepared and groomed. I'm not the regular girl exposed to the world. I was hidden. Its okay, there's nothing wrong about it. I'm smarter and more thoughtful because of it. It had nothing to do with me being unattractive or unwanted. I just didn't have the chance. Now that I have the chance, guys are immediately interested. In fact, I've also turned down four requests for my phone number. I'm starting to adjust to this new world of boys.
Anyway, back to my first refusal. It was Ryan. I also had my first slow dance with Ryan. it was one of those cute, short, shy ones where the couple puts their arms really lightly on eachother and tries to make conversation to make it less awkward. Anyway, Ryan was Nicole's friend. And also Vera's ex. Closely intertwined with two of my best friends. We have been introduced on half a dozen different occasions and events, and finally we discovered that we were no longer just aquantinces, but friends. the next parties we were mutually invited to we talked a lot. he was nice. i casually invited him, along with fifty others, to my graduation party on Facebook. I was surprised to find him a confirmed attender almost immediately. Nicole said he didn't know why he was coming, but he'd stop by. he ended up staying till after eleven. there he asked for my phone number. the next thing i know, i was receiving texts: "so, i don't really know you. i'd like to get to know Kate. What's she like?"
And we started talking...and talking...and then we met at the fair. We spent one wonderful rain soaked day together. i ran with him, barefoot, from barn to barn at the fair, in the pouring rain and streaming mud. i knew he thought it was romantic. i knew he thought it was so cool. i tried to let him know i was just a farm girl and that's what all farm girls did, but i don't think he got the point. he told me no other girl would spend the day in the rain with him. i told him to meet more farmers. we exchanged lists of our favorite bands, and so his next invitation was well planned. A killers concert. Brandon Flowers. My absolute dream band. I flipped with excitement and immediately agreed, but not before asking if i could bring my sister. he kindly agreed, and off we went. i encouraged him to bring his best friend James, and he did. As a foursome, we had a phenomenal time. it was his first real concert. it was my dream band. we screamed along to the words and i danced as best i could smashed between two drunk guys. i could see him watching me taking in the music from the corner of his eye, i could see that he was proud of himself for initating something that made me so happy. we never got a chance to be alone, so he asked me to meet him again three days later. i guessed what was comng, but i agreed.
and there it was. sitting outside Moby Dick's house of kabobs. We had three solid hours of intense, meaningful conversation. I shared a lot of my heart with him, and he did the same. I hear things about him i have a feeling nobody has ever heard before. finally, it came.
"well, um." clears throat, "i actually...the reason i asked you to meet me here was..i don't want to make it awkward or anything, but. i'll just lay it out there. i kinda like you." he managed. i smiled, and nodded.
"yeah?"
"And, i don't know if your dating someone-well, i figure your dating someone..." he trailed off.
"no, i'm not dating anyone. on purpose. umm, i don't see how dating at this time and point in my life makes a lot of sense. its such a huge emotion drainer, so much---i don't know, i don't even know who i am yet. and umm, i haven't seen many dating relationships work out well...actually, only one. and i hate that girl so it doesn't even count. I just don't think it makes sense."
"yeah. that sounds smart."
"thanks. I'm trying to be smart. I'm actually seeing a lot of guys right now, all as friends. everyone is telling me i can't do it. but why not? i'm not sure what i really want right now, and i don't think tying myself-or, i mean, anyone tying themself-down is really smart right now, friendship just seems better."
"i...i really admire that. and, that's cool with me, being friends and all. i'm not proposing or anything." he added quickly, since we had just talked about how all his siblings got married at eighteen. i laughed a little.
"no, i didn't think so. so...that's okay?"
"yeah, sure."
"good. so, how'd i do? i kinda guessed you were gonna ask that...i figure i might have to say that a lot....i practiced. was it okay?" i asked, trying to be light. he smiled a little.
"yeah, no, that was really good. it sounded good."
"not too many umms?"
"no, it was really good."
"well thanks. i hope thats okay." i repeated. i had the feeling i'd lost him already, and i already missed him. Maybe i didn't want Ryan as a boyfriend, at least not now, but i did enjoy his company. he nodded.
there. my first refusal. not too bad. i was kinda proud of myself.
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